TANK BIATHLON is a real sport and it’s wilder than you can possibly imagine

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I am absolutely stunned that something called the “Tank Biathlon” has existed since 2015 and I’m only now hearing about it. I’m even more shocked that the United States doesn’t compete in this.

Held by the Russian military (which, no surprise — wins every single year) the tank biathlon is part of the “International Army Games,” which is basically the military Olympics. A lot of the events sound kind of boring unless you’re seriously into military readiness, like watercraft response time and competitions in code-breaking by intelligence departments — but the Tank Biathlon is far and away the marquee event.

Like all biathlons it contains a racing element, and a shooting component. However, given the teams are in TANKS, the race portion is buckwild.

The next phase of the competition involves rapid target shooting while avoiding incoming mock fire. That’s set to take place in the next couple of days. What other sport can you see a group of Kyrgyz tank pilots almost flip AN ENTIRE DAMN TANK while drifting it over hills like it’s The Fast and the Furious.

Of course, everything just seems futile. Russia holds the event every year, and Russia wins every year — and it feels pretty gross that other countries are entertaining a glorified display of the Russian military complex during the invasion of Ukraine.

That’s why I think we should just take this idea and make it way better. Instead of making this nation vs. nation, we should have people build their own tanks in their backyards and bring THEM to tank biathlon. It would be like Battlebots on a giant scale, and be much more guilt free than a jingoistic affair.

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