A comprehensive breakdown of America’s best child mullets

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The mullet is the perfect haircut for today’s world. It’s unisex, timeless, serious and playful all at the same kind. Once a haircut of ridicule, it’s wonderful to know that we’ve evolved past the Joe Dirt stereotypes of the past and into a new era where the mullet is celebrated.

Enter the “USA Mullet Championships,” and its 2022 iteration of the greatest contest in hair brilliance. Thick, resplendent heads of flowing hair — draping the backs of the neck like American carpets of freedom. This year’s slate is predominantly for children and teens, and I have to celebrate the most inspiring individuals from this year’s slate.

Best child mullets

ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?! Look at Rustin and his little mullet! This is a mullet baby — what need does he have for business in the front? He’s not conducting any business! This is a classic, spiked-front mullet that really shines from all angles. Simply brilliant.

Now THIS is a good flowing mullet. There’s a serious demarcation between the business and party here that truly solidifies it as two hairstyles in one. Rowan is also rocking a no-nonsense expression that sells this as someone who could absolutely destroy you in a bar fight.

Eli is rocking a northeast take on the mullet in the Mario Lopez mold, and it’s simply beautiful. There’s a little line work on the side, which I’m not normally a fan of because it distracts from the mullet itself — but in a look like this it really works.

I know it’s weird to have a favorite child’s mullet, but here we are. Epic has every quality I’m looking for in the art form. It’s flowing, carefree — this mullet doesn’t care whether you like it or not, it likes itself dammit. Sure, it’s a little dirtbag and I could see this mullet going out for smokes and never coming back, but it’s also never going to confirm to societal norms just to fit in.

Best teen mullets

There’s a real Brian Bosworth quality to this mullet. The lightning bold line work is a nice touch too, because it screams “I will tackle you on Friday night, then get into a fist fight at the small, local burger place because someone insulted my dad’s Pontiac Firebird.” I also applaud the photography range here, highlighting both a serious, and sweet side.

Josh has a late-breaking mullet that really sneaks up on you. You take a stroll through this hair forest thinking everything is standard, then you get to the bottom of the neck and it’s like “OH HEY! THERE WAS A MULLET BACK HERE THE WHOLE TIME!” I like trickery, and this a great example of it.

The mullet is all about verticality by nature, but Fisher here surprises with some big horizontal energy. Like the bear the attacked Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant, it’s all calm until the mullet explodes out from the top of the ears with reckless abandon. It’s a really nice statement look.

There are no words I can write that do justice to this mullet. It is perfection.

Random mullet facts I learned from the finalists

  • Most mullet finalists by state: Oklahoma (6)
  • American flags shaved in mullets: 4
  • People named Caden/Cayden: 4
  • People named Cash: 2
  • Number of mullets supported by sick gas station sunglasses: 16
  • Mullet submission photos taken on a farm: 13
  • Mullet smile-to-frown photo ratio: 31 smiles, 38 frowns

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